Never Enough
by kaeh96
Summary: Emotional trauma can do many things, and young Jennifer Jareau has discovered it triggered a part of her mind she never knew she had... Trigger Warning: detailed description of behaviors and actions associated with eating disorders. Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. I, in no way, glorify eating disorders.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey guys, how's it going? I was really nervous about this story, so publishing it is kinda hard for me. But I decided to just go with my gut and do it anyways. Please don't judge me, and enjoy this as best you can.**

**PS wooh look at me working on three stories at once oh yeah.**

Jennifer Jareau stood stooped over the toilet, holding her hair back with her left hand as her right picked at her lips. She took a deep breath, opened her mouth, and stuck her first two fingers of her right hand into her mouth. She shoved them to the back of her throat, gave them a little wiggle, then waited for her gag reflect to set in. Once it finally did, she quickly pulled her hand out and let the contents of her stomach empty into the toilet bowl. Once she was sure she was done, she stood up straight, grabbed some toilet paper and wiped off her hand and face. She was quick and silent as she wiped the water from her eyes and flushed the toilet. As she stepped out of the stall she looked around to make sure no one had entered the bathroom as she had finished up. She proceeded to the sink and turned on the water. The hard pressure and the cold temperature of the water stung her sore knuckles, and she did her best to rub the redness out of them as she lathered foamy soap all over her hands. She finished up, used a paper towel to wipe her hands and fix her now slightly-smudged eye makeup, and headed back into the Mexican restaurant where her parents were waiting. She hated going out to eat, because she would never get away with not eating, and purging her food in public places had always made her particularly uncomfortable.

Then again, anything involving food made her want to die.

As she sat down with a small smile on her face, the happiness on her parents' faces tore her apart; they didn't suspect a single thing. For the past year, their youngest child had been keeping her desire to be skinny to herself.

"Your brother called earlier letting us know he e-mailed some pictures from his trip up the mountains last weekend." Sandy Jareau, JJ's mother, said to her with a bright smile and a light in her eyes.

JJ's oldest sibling, Patrick Jareau, was a senior in a five-year master's degree program at Penn State, and he and his friends had taken a three-day skiing trip up to the mountains, and Sandy had been worried sick.

JJ simply nodded and said, "Cool, we should look at them tomorrow morning or something."

JJ's parents had been very proud of Patrick for getting into Penn State, which JJ herself had been wanting to get into on a soccer scholarship since she was a kid up until about six months ago, when she started to care less and less about everything. She kept her grades up in school, sure, but she lost vision of her future and only maintained her grades so her parents wouldn't get upset and her friends wouldn't judge her or worry about her. Grades dropping in the Jareau family had bad history, and that history was due to the suicide of the middle Jareau child, Rosaline, when JJ was eleven, her seventeen year old sister had taken one of their father's razor blades to the veins in her wrists, and JJ had been the one to find her the next morning. JJ remembered the day very vividly, and she had nightmares about it often. It had torn the family apart for years, and still haunted them. However, over the past two years, they had started to heal and their lives continued on with more ease.

At the time, they had no clue as to why Rosaline would want to take her own life. She had been a senior in high school and was headed to Penn State herself, and she had always seemed so excited for her future. However, looking back at her life in the five or so months leading up to her death, the evidence was right there. Her grades had dropped from straight A's to low B's and C's, she hadn't been seeing her friends outside of school, and her relationship with her boyfriend had fallen apart pretty quickly. Whenever JJ thought back to that time, all she could remember was how Rosaline simply trudged around everywhere, her eyes never leaving the ground and her smiles never reaching her eyes. JJ would always wonder what she could have done, why she didn't see that her sister was in pain and needed help, then she realized, Rosaline didn't want help. She wanted to be gone from the world and all of it's misery, which is why she was so good at hiding everything. She wanted to be nothing, to escape from existence and all the burdens that came with it.

Much like JJ herself.

JJ was shaken back to reality when her dad, Richard, put his wallet back into his pocket and asked Sandy if she was ready to go. The Jareaus left the restaurant and stepped out into the cold nighttime March air. JJ shivered and her teeth began to chatter within seconds of being outside, while her parents continued on comfortably, taking their own sweet time. JJ envied how they had the natural ability to stay warm in temperatures below sixty degrees, which had gotten especially harder for JJ this past winter. She was alway cold, and when she wasn't cold she was sick of being cold. She'd spent many nights over the last four months curled up in her bed under her big, down quilt with a space heater blasting warm air directly on her, her knees tucked into her chest and her face buried in her pillow. Keeping warm by all means necessary was a daily part of her life, even in the hot months of the summer. It was yet another element of her disease that she hated.

Xx

JJ stood in the shower, soaking in the warmth of the hot water as it streamed down her back. She lifted her hands from the outsides of her thighs and brought them to her ribs. She could see them fairly well, and feel them even better. She moved her hands slowly down to her sharp hip bones, and rested her fingertips on the tips of where they jutted out. She loved feeling her bones, they brought a sense of comfort that nothing else could. She also loved her petite wrists, the minuscule space between her thighs, and how her fingers seemed so much longer now that they were thinner. She loved feeling empty, how it made her feel light as a feather, and how it let her suck in her stomach as far as it would go. However despite these things she loved, there were things she hated. Of course, the thing she had the deepest hatred towards was eating. Eating made her feel heavy and bloated, and lazy. It made her feel sick both physically and mentally. It made her sad and nauseous, and she couldn't stand it. She hated how every time she ran her fingers through her hair, strands of it would come out. She hated how she would get tired in soccer practice, and how easily she bruised from the slightest contact with her skin. She hated how other people could eat and enjoy food without second thoughts, and how they all seemed to look amazing in everything they wore.

She finished up in the shower, dried her body then wrapped the towel around her hair, and pulled on her favorite fluffy robe. She stepped out into the hallway, turning off the light and closing the door of her bathroom as she left. Her five year old German Shorthaired Pointer, Lily, had been waiting at the door as always. Lily followed JJ around the corner and into her room, and hopped up on the bed as JJ changed into warm pajamas. JJ ran the towel through her hair one last time, brushed it, turned off the light in her room, and climbed into bed. As she laid in bed she stroked Lily's soft ears and thought about the weekend ahead. She was anxious as always for soccer practice the next morning; with each passing day her chances of getting caught by her teammates grew bigger and bigger. However she somehow managed to avoid anyone letting onto her secret, and if someone did know, they weren't brave enough or didn't care enough to bring it up.

That was all just fine with JJ.

**A/N: Hey! So you might be confused as to why I'm nervous or where I'm going with this story. Basically, it's to spread awareness about eating disorders, one of the deadliest and most common mental disorders. As a sufferer of an eating disorder myself, this is very close to my heart and I am really exposing a big part of myself through this story. Many of you know that I do my best to make everyone aware of eating disorders and their consequences as best I can. It seems ****hypocritical, I know, how can someone who suffers from this disease be able to help other people, but I'm not a therapist, I'm a friend and a victim, who hates seeing other people go through this hell. To give you an idea of where JJ is at, she's 5'3" (160.2 cm) and weighs 92 lbs (approx 41.7 kg), giving her a BMI of 16.3. This in no way reflects my own measurements, which I will not discuss at all. I really hope to spread the word about the mentality behind eating disorders so that people can receive better, more effective treatment, and so that people can realize that the slightest comments about appearance can hurt the people you least expect it to. I hope everyone learns something from this story, and will feel moved to _do_****_ something._**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey, so I didn't get a lot of responses on the last chapter, but what I did get was very positive, so thank you! I really hope everyone will start to see the purpose and meaning of this story soon enough. Anyways, enjoy! :)**

The sound of her alarm going off at 7:30 the next morning caused JJ to let out a loud groan; all she wanted was to sleep the whole day, curled up in her warm bed. Instead, she sat up, dragged herself out of bed, and got dressed. She pulled on her favorite pink long-sleeved soccer t-shirt, black athletic shorts, her lime green knee-high socks, and headed into the bathroom. She washed her face, brushed her hair and pulled it up into a high ponytail, and brushed her teeth. Then she headed back into her room, grabbed her soccer bag, and hopped down the stairs, Lily following close behind. Just like every Saturday morning, her dad was sitting at the breakfast table, already dressed and showered, sipping his coffee and reading the newspaper.

"Morning sweetie, how'd you sleep?" He asked her without glancing up from his paper. JJ headed over to the cabinet, pulled out Lily's dry food, and poured it into her bowl as she responded,

"Pretty well, I was nice and warm last night." She gave a little chuckle when she commented on how comfortable she was.

"Well that's not surprising with that big quilt, the heater, and that dog keeping you warm." Richard looked up and gave her a little wink. JJ simply smiled and made her own version of "breakfast" (67)- a small red delicious apple (55), and 1 cup of black coffee with 1/8 cup skim milk (black coffee-1, skim milk-11, total-12).

She slowly munched on her apple and sipped her coffee while shaking her foot violently (she learned somewhere that it supposedly speeds up digestion and metabolism), and looked out the kitchen window at the beautiful early morning sky, which was streaked with shades of pink, orange, and pale blue. She glanced at the thermometer '48°', and almost immediately decided to grab her grey sweatshirt from the laundry room. When she walked back into the kitchen, her dad was putting his dishes in the sink,

"You ready?" He asked as he dried his hands and turned to her.

She nodded, and headed into the garage. Once she was there, she pulled on her muddy soccer cleats and her sweatshirt, and hopped into the front seat of her dad's silver 1991 Chevy Camaro,- the favorite and most expensive car of the Jareaus- her bag at her feet. Her dad slid in soon after, and they headed off to the soccer field.

They pulled up to see the majority of JJ's soccer team stretching and warming up. JJ opened the door, gave her dad a quick kiss, and stepped out into the cool world. Her dad drove off as she walked towards her teammates, a few of them calling her over. She dropped her stuff on the floor next to where some of her friends were stretching, and went to check in with her coach.

"Hi coach Williams! How are you?" She asked as she practically skipped over to her coach.

Coach Williams, a very tall, fit man in his early 30's with tan skin, a lean body, and a bald head, was kinder than he appeared, particularly to JJ, who had always been one of his favorite players.

"Well good morning miss JJ. I'm mighty fine this morning. Ready to work?" He asked as he scribbled something on his clipboard. JJ nodded vigorously and walked back to her friends.

"Hey guys!" She called as she sat down with them.

"Hey JJ!" Three of them replied in unison.

"Why hello miss JJ, or should I say miss five-minutes-away-from-being-late?" Her friend Addison said, giving her a wink and a big smile. JJ laughed,

"Hey you know how it is, sometimes you just gotta push it a little." Her friends all laughed with her, and she began to stretch out her legs and feet. Soon enough, Coach Williams blew his whistle and practice begun. As JJ ran laps around the field, played in scrimmage games, and practiced drills, her mind flooded with '_push through you're getting thinner_', which gave her random bursts of energy and motivation, which caused her to do well not just in practice, but games as well.

Practice ended with Coach Williams reminding all of them that they had their first game of the new season the following week, and they were playing their biggest hometown rival, North Mammon. After he handed them each a packet with a letter and the game schedule for the season, they said their goodbyes and went in their respective directions to either walk home or wait for their parents. Just like always, Richard was waiting at the same spot he dropped JJ off at, the window rolled down and the back of the car full of groceries he'd picked up while he ran errands when JJ was in practice.

"How'd it go?" He asked with a smile as he unlocked the car and she slid in.

"Really good! Here, this if for you, it's just the schedule for the season." She handed her dad the packet and tugged her seatbelt on.

Richard took it from her, placed in the slot in the door of the driver's seat, and they headed home.

Xx

JJ nearly collapsed onto her bed as soon as she entered her room. She was sweaty and exhausted, and desperately needed to shower. She was laying face down with half her body on her bed as she felt something soft, squishy, wet, and warm enter her right ear.

"Oh Lily gross!" She laughed as she lifted her arm, blindly feeling around for her dog.

Despite JJ's efforts, Lil's tongue continued to tickle JJ's ear, then moved onto her cheek. Finally, JJ lifted her head, pulled the rest of her body onto the bed, and sat criss-cross applesauce as she pulled Lily into her lap. The oversized dog nearly crushed JJ's tiny legs, but JJ didn't mind. She scratched Lily's back and hindquarters and kissed the top of her soft head as she took deep breaths and enjoyed the affection of her beloved companion. She had gotten Lily for Christmas when Lily was just four months old, and ever since then the two had been inseparable. JJ had dedicated countless hours into training, playing with, and socializing Lily, and as a result the dog was loyal, well-behaved, kind, and gentle, despite her breed's extremely high energy level and great physical strength. JJ loved Lily more than almost anything in the world, and Lily returned that love. They respected and cared for each other, and JJ knew a bond like theirs was unbreakable.

JJ sighed, gave Lily one more squeeze, and went to take her shower. And, just like always, Lily followed, stopped at the door, and laid down in front of it when JJ closed it.

Xx

JJ managed to spend the next five hours finishing her homework, reading books, and playing with Lily in her room, only consuming two bottles of water (0) and half a cup of peeled baby carrots (21.5). When her mom finally called up to her for the ten-minute warning, she regretfully closed "_War and Peace_", and slowly stepped downstairs, Lily close behind. She made Lily's dinner-half a can of wet dog food with about 1/4 cup dry food mixed in-and inspected what her parents were making. Luckily, it was multiple separate things, so JJ could easily control how much of what she ate-broccoli, top sirloin steak, and bow tie pasta.

JJ poured herself a cup of orange juice (100), and waited for her parents to finish. Once they were done, they each grabbed a plate, and moved through the kitchen, grabbing the freshly-made food as they did. JJ put 1 cup of broccoli (30), half a serving of pasta (105), and about 4.5 ounces of steak (230). They sat down, gave their cheers, and ate. JJ started out by carefully cutting up her slices of steak into thirds or fourths, sipping her orange juice, and biting into her broccoli, one piece at a time. When she finished her broccoli, she moved onto the pasta, which she ate almost all of. Finally, she ate just over half of her steak, and gulped the rest of her juice. She avoided suspicion by moving fairly slowly, and being sure to remain engaged in conversation with her parents. Once they were all finished, JJ gave a couple small pieces of steak to Lily, who had been patiently waiting on one of the small couches in the family room off the kitchen, and helped her parents do the dishes. Sandy and Richard informed her that they were going to watch a movie, and invited her to join them, but she kindly rejected by telling them she just wanted to finish her book, which she only had twenty-four pages left of. They simply said, "Okay", gave her a hug and kiss each, and headed into the den. JJ trudged back upstairs, grabbing at her stomach in pain. Her stomach stretched nearly every time she ate, and the consequence was extreme cramps and sharp pain.

She grabbed her book and quickly opened it, hoping it would distract her. She also shook her foot and downed the rest of her second water bottle, hoping to help her stomach break down the food faster so that it would stop hurting sooner rather than later. It took fifteen minutes, but her efforts finally did the trick, and she quickly finished her book, relaxed with Lily, and drifted off into temporary peace.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey! Sorry it's been a little while since I updated, I went on a school music trip to Florida for four days last week, and this week I've been playing catch up at school! Anyways, thank you all so much for the support I've gotten on this story, it's really sweet and warms my heart to see so many people appreciating this. This is a question I got, and I want to clarify; someone asked why it was that there was a number in parentheses next to some words. Obviously those things were food, and the numbers (ex: "Water (0)") is the amount of calories in that food item, according to standardized websites. So, that's why I'm constantly reenforcing the TW, because details like that can be...sensitive. Okay so anyways thank you again and enjoy! :)**

On Monday morning, JJ walked through the front doors of East Allegheny High School, shivering vigorously despite her large coat and cotton leggings beneath her jeans. She rubbed her arms as she walked through the main hall and to her locker. Her bony fingers wrapped around the lock and turned the dial as she spun her combination, but stopped when she suddenly felt a pair of hands jabbing her sides.

"Hey!" She yelled as she jumped and started to laugh.

She turned to see her friends Kelly, Maddie, and Nick laughing in her face.

"Oh yeah, REAL funny guys, which one of you did it?" She asked them as she rolled her eyes and laughed harder.

"Well it definitely wasn't me." Nick said to her, his green eyes gleaming with mischief.

JJ studied him for a moment, not sure whether to believe him or not, but the second he gave her a playful wink, she knew he was the culprit. Grabbing her last books out of her locker, she closed it without looking, gave him a smile that said "run, now", Nick read her expression and backed away slowly.

"Oh, you are so dead!" She exclaimed as she started to laugh and he jumped away from her. First, he tried taking cover behind Maddie, who was barely bigger than JJ. Maddie simply shoved him away, laughing, and Kelly lightly grabbed his sweater and stopped him so JJ could get her revenge. JJ simply gave him a playful shove in the arm, but he grabbed her hand and pulled her into a tight half-hug-half-body lock and gently tickled her sides. JJ almost immediately collapsed in his arms, so he stopped, helped her regain her balance, and looked at her,

"Might want to remember this very moment next time you try and chase me."

JJ laughed at him,

"Oh, no worries, I will. I'll get you someday."

Maddie's blue eyes glimmered as they met JJ's,

"How was your weekend JJ?"

"Eh, it was pretty boring actually. Had soccer on Saturday as usual, did my homework, and spent all Saturday afternoon and Sunday-"

"Let me guess, reading and looking at your butterflies?" Kelly cut her off and giggled. JJ nodded, chuckling to herself. Everyone knew how much she liked to read, and how much she loved her butterfly collection that she'd started when she was just seven years old. Some people were creeped out by it, others, like JJ, were fascinated at all the different sizes, colors, and variations of the graceful and peaceful insects that JJ had come to love.

Soon enough, the bell rang, and they each headed to their first class.

Xx

The day passed slowly, as did any other Monday. JJ spent her usual lunchtime ritual with nothing but her friends and a bottle of water. She hated eating in front of other people, particularly at school. She always felt as though people would judge for the amount of food she had or simply what it was that she had taken. She couldn't understand how people could shove pieces of pizza, bowls of fruit, and bags of chips or cookies in their faces when they were surrounded by 200 other people. She simply slapped a fake smile on her face and watched in awe as her friends shoveled food into their mouths, making every last item on their lunch tray disappear within minutes. She never judged them, but often envied them.

When the last bell finally sounded, JJ headed to the girl's locker room. School soccer season didn't start for another two weeks, but she wanted to practice by herself on the school field. She walked through the halls into the wing of the school with the gym, weight room, and locker rooms. Assuming she was by herself, she started to strip as soon as she got to her locker, placing her jeans, leggings, sweater, and coat in the long storage locker. She stood in nothing but her tank top, bra and underwear as she entered the combination on the padlock of her gym locker. She reached in, grabbed her soccer pants, socks, shirt, and sports bra and changed. As soon as she took off her tank top, she heard a gasp. Frightened, she brought it to her chest and turned around. Standing there was a freshman girl she didn't recognize, her eyes focused on JJ's sharp ribs.

"Um, do you mind? You scared the hell out of me." JJ asked as she tried to get the girl to look her in the eyes.

"Oh, I'm s-sorry…I'll go now."

The girl walked out, taking her lacrosse stick with her on the way out.

JJ was mortified, she'd never had anyone look at her like that. No one had seen her shirtless since August, at least not for more than thirty seconds, and she didn't understand why the girl looked so worried. She simply shrugged it off, finished changing, and took off with her soccer ball to the field.

Xx

Three hours later, JJ plopped onto her bed after a long shower. She was too exhausted to move, let alone even think about going downstairs to eat dinner with her parents. She started to sit up yet stopped when she felt a sharp pain in her leg. Looking down, she saw a large bruise across the back of her calf muscle.

_'Damn,'_ she thought to herself.

The previous soccer season she'd begun bruising much more easily, due to the lack of nutrition she had. She'd gotten fairly used to it, but it was surprising to see that this bruise was as dark and painful as it was. She simply pulled on a pair of knee-high socks and crawled into bed. She finished her math homework that she'd been assigned, being interrupted a few times by Lily trying to climb into her lap. Finally, when she was done, she opened up her eyes and let the dog climb on her. She sighed and rested her head back on the pillow, and turned off the lamp on her nightstand. She was too comfortable and exhausted to bother laying down, so she simply drifted off, her hands stroking Lily all over until they both settled into peaceful rest.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hello! Sorry this chapter is short, but there's plenty more to come! Just enforcing the TW for eating disorder-associated thoughts as well as possible triggering measurements. Please, ****enjoy!**

_Wednesday, March 22_

_Dear Diary,_

_School was absolute hell today. I found out I failed the math test I took last week horribly…mom and dad are going to be so pissed off when I get it back and show them. I didn't eat a single thing today, I only had coffee this morning and two bottles of water later in the afternoon…god I hate this. I came so close to getting caught yesterday, we were in the locker room changing before practice and I couldn't find my shirt right away, so naturally I had to stand there in nothing but my bra as I dug around in my bag for it. Luckily, one of the girls only saw a brief glance of my lower abdomen as I quickly tugged it on once I found it. Then there was that girl last week…man am I glad the lacrosse team doesn't practice at the same time as us, I could just imagine the stares I would get from her, and I don't need to be distracted this season. Soccer is my escape and I need to keep my grades up so I can stay on the team…looks like I'll be hitting the math books pretty quick._

_Anyways, Nick has totally been hitting on me recently, and it's pretty cute. I definitely like him, and I'm flirting back, but I don't want too much to change between us. I mean we could try dating but I wouldn't want to continue with it if it made our friendship weird. I can tell Maddie wants us to date, she knows he would make me happy and take care of me, and I can't help but agree with her because I know it's true. Still….I'm just not sure yet. But who knows? Things could take a completely different turn. _

_The anniversary of Rosaline's death is coming up next week…I'm not ready at all. Every year I miss school because I can barely even get out of bed, and mom cries all day while dad mopes around the house. All of us are a bunch of zombies on that day, even Patrick. He calls us and even his chirpy self is numb and lifeless, and it makes me think about how no matter how far we seem to come each year, on that day all that progression is temporarily destroyed. Then, the next day, we brush it off and continue on. Rose was the light of our family, and I always ask myself how I didn't notice anything, because now I look back and I realize how upset she was. I know I was young, but she was my sister, I should have known **something** was up, anything. I'd do anything to go back and help her, stop her, do something to change her mind and save her. I think she would help me through all this and would help me pull through everything. I know she would keep my secret but still be there for me. I'm aware that I'm slowly killing myself, but I really don't care. I just want to be beautiful and thin, and then I'll become nothing at all, and that's fine by me. I don't care if it happens next week, next month, next year, or in the next decade, I just want it to happen. I'll keep getting through each day for now, in hopes for this ending. My only goals nowadays are don't get caught, be kind, and avoid attention. Whatever, it works for now. _

_To add to all this crap, today was measurements day…I weigh 90 pounds now. It's only four pounds less than last time, which makes me sad, I was really hoping for six or seven. Maybe next time. I remember how thin Rose was, and how tall she was. I don't think I'll ever be as tall as she was, and probably never as thin…and definitely never as beautiful. I'll never be as beautiful as anyone, I'm just too fat and ugly. I don't understand why people say they love or care about me, even my parents. I'm not that special or important in any way…I'm fairly sure my family just says that because they're my family and my friends just say it because they like me and they feel bad for me. I really don't want their kind words or their pity or whatever else, but it is nice, I guess. I mean at least they have the capacity to say kind things to someone as pathetic as me. The only person I think has ever truly loved me is Rose, but that was when I was young, when I was innocent. That was before all this started happening…before I became cold and ugly. I bet she would be ashamed of me now, to see what a pathetic excuse of a life I am. I know she watches over me, but I wish she wouldn't. The only true friend I have is Lily, and she's a dog. Don't get me wrong I love her and she's perfect, but I wish humans would love us the way animals do; without judgement or hesitation. I think the world would be a better place if that were the case._

_I best be off to bed now, I've found myself growing more and more tired each day._


End file.
